What to do? What to do?

I sit here today pondering a pounding question cutting into my brain so painfully. What am I supposed to do with my life? Don’t get me wrong. I have a full life. A wonderful life-better than I ever thought it would be. Better than I think most who have ever known me have thought it would be. And although I practically have two full time jobs as an at home mom and a Realtor-there is something missing.

I feel somewhat selfish in saying that, but it’s true. I’ve always been this kind of person. I can be a lot of things to a lot of people, but if I’m not who I want to be for me then there is something lacking. I’m envious of the people in the world who are satisfied by just being who they are and don’t need anything ‘special’ about who they are. Not that I want or need to be special. There are just parts of me missing. Ya know the feeling of not feeling complete. I’m a puzzle that some pieces are missing to. You can’t just sit there looking at that pretty little picture with missing pieces. You know they are around somewhere-they just need to be found.

Anyway, I hate my job as a Realtor these days. The market sucks a Mount Everest lollipop. Not that I was ever a good sales person. I’m just a good hand-holder. Seems 8 years is too long to go through life holding hands and hoping for a constant cash flow. These days I’m putting out more money than I’m making. I know, enough already about the whining. I know I need to do something about it.

I’ve set new goals for myself. Realistic goals (I’m pretty sure). Like I said earlier, I have two full time jobs. Well, I consider myself to have another full-time job. Behind closed doors, with only a few words seeping out beyond these doors, I am a writer. I put more time into my writing than I ever do with the Real Estate career. Hum, maybe that’s why I’m not making money. Anyway, that’s beside the point, and I don’t want to go there because writing is more important to me than any outside career I’ve ever had.

So my new goals are to begin when the kids go back to school in 12 days. I will have specific writing times to finish revising Lemonade for Christmas. I’m hoping to get it out there to agents by the end of September. I’m thinking that if agents/editors are reading it just before the Christmas Holiday then the impact of the story will be stronger then if it were being read at a different time, especially right after Christmas. I think most people feel that once the holiday is over-IT IS OVER. At least for the next 10 months or so.

The job I do so fully love is being a mom and I hate the fact that I just can’t stop thinking about just XXX more days before school starts. I am such a strong believer in the term DON’T WISH YOUR LIFE AWAY. Now that I’m 38 (soon to be 39) I think back on so many times where I did just wish my life away. Now I just want time to stay still for a while so I can enjoy my kids while they are still young. This is one of the most important reasons why I think it’s important that I don’t waste my time doing something I really don’t like. It takes so much time away from them, with the end result usually not worth it.

So as I sit here balancing my laptop outside amongst sidewalk chalk, floaties, abandoned Popsicle sticks and toddler gardening supplies I’m already missing my kids. Yes, they are all here, but will be back at school all too soon. It seems it was just a couple of days ago that I was screaming about all the toys left around the house, the pool towels tossed over railings and on their bedroom floor, and all the pool toys left in the pool or scattered about in the yard. I weekly wash about 10 bathing suits, most from all the ‘visitors’ who come swimming without a suit. Oh, and all the extra towels too. The makers of Tide love those who live my lifestyle.

Not to mention every night begging to have a sleepover. Groceries being eaten up by everyone walking through my door. Bikes, scooters and clothes being left here by all the visitors. Running the dishwasher more than once a day.

Well, honestly it probably was just a couple of days ago that I was yelling about all of those things. It was easier to be hard on them in the beginning of the summer, but now I’m already missing it.

Going back to school will also mean the pool will be closed. The happy, loud, splashing kids will be gone. The vegetable garden won’t have a bunch of feet running through it squealing with excitement over how big a cucumber got. The smell of hot dogs grilling will be gone. The swing set will collect cobwebs and the garage, driveway and yard will stay tidy. And of course there won’t be all the towels, extra clothes, kids running through eating up my food, bikes and scooters left around. I should be happy, right? I won’t have anything to complain about, right? Nope! As much as all of that drives me crazy, at the same time it thrills me. I know it won’t last for long. One day it will be gone forever and it will be then that I’ll want it even more.

So what was the point of this blog anyway? Oh yeah, I’m going to take my time and live in the moment. I will set my goals more realistically, not taking away from my family. I will use the three days a week (when I’m alone) to write. And once I know my manuscript is ready I will send it off into the world. That same world that my little ones will fly to someday. That same world that already holds my oldest. All my babies are precious to me, whether they have come from my womb or my heart. All of which I will only release when I know they are ready-WHEN THEY ARE TRULY READY.