A Bitter-Sweet Holiday

Well the holiday is over, but my feelings about it dwell. The day itself was great, however it leaves me a bit empty inside. It was my first holiday without my oldest with me. In reading my earlier posts you've heard that she moved to Philly. She did come home for the holiday, spending an hour at our house on Saturday to cut hair for a few family members, then off to dinner with her boyfriends family, which is where they stayed the night. Ah, my heart. For the first time she would not be here to find her Easter basket and hunt for the eggs.

I thought when she said she was coming home on Saturday she meant that she was staying the night here. Her and her boyfriend's baskets were made up, and as I sit her to write, their baskets still await patiently to be found by the small child I still see her as.

Although she is nineteen I still couldn't see myself not making her up a basket. I know it probably seems strange to all of you. But to those of you with small children I'm sure you just can't seem to really picture them grown up and on their own. I will do what I have to in order to keep my heart intact. Letting go is harder than I ever imagined. I know I will be a true basket case by the time my youngest leaves home. Perhaps by that time I will be ready since that is still sixteen years away. Maybe by then I will be tired-I hope not. I hope to never get tired of being a needed mother. I know they will always need me in their own way. I just want them to need me in the way I need them to need me??? Not sure if that makes any sense or not.

Anywho, we spent Easter day with my in-laws, and then off to my moms where I just love spending time with my family-mother and sisters and all who are attached to them. I think there is nothing greater than family. My hubby and others I know just cringe at running all around on the holidays to visit family. Not me. I love it. There is never enough time to see everyone, and this at least makes us make the time, and I am just incredibly thankful for the family I do have to visit. Some people don't have any (left). I hope to never be that unfortunate. Family is the best thing we have. Without them nothing else would matter-not a nice, big house. Not our careers. Not our goals or dreams. Without family all that other stuff is pointless-through my eyes anyway.

Another sad thing about this holiday is that my 8 and 9 year old don't really believe in the Easter Bunny any more. They've been questioning for the past year or two about him and Santa. I have told them what I always told my oldest, "You have the right to believe what you want. To listen to your friends, but you never know what will happen if you don't believe-so you decide". That made the wheels turn in my oldest's head years ago, and now I believe in the other's heads as well. I provided the belief (along with society), so I think it's only fair that I not take it away from them. I think the only one who can really take it away from them, is 'them'. Believing in such things is part of being an innocent kid and as these things slowly disappear, as does their childhood.

Kids only get a chance of being a kid once and it doesn't last that long. I give my kids room to grow and discover themselves. I want them to be independent and strong willed, but I never want their childhood to dissolve before its time. These days kids are growing up too fast and it is our job as parents to create and preserve a child-like environment for them. It's bad enough that we are constantly aware that they will grow up, so helping them be kids is one of the greatest, most rewarded jobs I have as a mother.

So in saying that let me leave you on this note.

On the days that you really don't feel like putting that puzzle together, or playing dress up, or pushing them on the swing, or eating plastic food, or dancing silly, or baking a cake with them (for fear of making the kitchen a mess). Do it. Do it all. Take the time. Let the kitchen get messy. Let the laudry pile up. Let go-be a kid yourself-if only in your heart. Not only will they have the best time and appreciate it, but you will too, even more than you can imagine.

We are all blessed by being parents. These little people are not just small roommates, they are the smiles on our faces, the fullness in our hearts, our hope for tomorrow and a memory of who we were, and the dreams of who they will become.